Sealed With(out) A Kiss

In an article by Linda Young PhD, "Sealed With(out) A Kiss," Young references the popular film, Pretty Woman, where Julia Roberts' character, a prostitute, refuses to kiss her clients because she considers it an intimate act, whereas sex is not. Research shows that many real-life sex workers also avoid kissing as a way to stay detached. The main questions the article raises are: 1) Why kissing might be more intimate than sex, and 2) How to interpret one's indifference to kissing.

Young goes on to discuss how kissing has different meanings for different people: "It's sexually arousing; it's a way to communicate romantic feelings; it increases intimate bonding and attachment and even contributes to mate selection." It is also noted that there is some truth behind the different meanings between genders, where men focus on the arousal and attuning functions of kissing and women focus on the bonding aspect. Regardless of these differences, it is logical to assume that those who separate love from lust will be uncomfortable with kissing. Young proclaims "no other physical act offers so many potent and equal sensory experiences for both partners simultaneously (regardless of sexual orientation." The reasons are:

1) The moments before and after kissing is when you have the opportunity to stare into each others' eyes - a very intimate and affectionate act, and it's important to note when and which partners close their eyes or turn their head away, avoiding the gaze.
2) While kissing, both people take in each others' scents and tastes - the physical basis of your literal chemistry.
3) Kissing raises the attachment and bonding hormone (oxytocin) in both sexes.
4) You cannot get impregnated from kissing, so a woman's disproportionate fear is neutralized.
5) Kissing is a process of following and leading, and movement together, without having the male be the lead. It also communicates intimate (and sometimes unconscious) messages about relationship feelings and status.
6) "There's a unique sexual equality to the act of kissing. It's the only sexual act that allows partners to simultaneously and equally penetrate and be penetrated with identical, incredibly neurally sensitive body parts." This is particularly uncomfortable for people with intimacy issues or those who tend to be aggressive or passive.

Overall, kissing is an equal and neutral means of sexuality and intimacy regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

I really enjoyed the article, and I found it relevant to my own experiences and many of my friends as well, analyzing past relationships and the correlation between kissing. For instance, with a mere hookup devoid of intimacy, kissing could be short and passionless and lack eye contact, whereas with a husband or long-term boyfriend, kissing will be passionate, sensual and it feels as if both are in sync with each other.

The only problem I had with Young's assessment is I disagreed with her fourth point on why kissing is enjoyable for both people involved. Of course, you cannot get pregnant from kissing but I doubt that the fear of becoming pregnant is a) a constant fear for all women and b) why wouldn't it hinder the enjoyment for the man as well, if he is the one who could possibly impregnate her? A woman can love passionately and not have the concept of childbirth instilled into her mind, especially if she is responsible and utilizing a form of contraception and/or on birth control. Out of all the times people have sex, a very small percentage is for the purpose of reproduction, and for all those times, it is doubtful that there is fear of pregnancy present.

Taking this further, I asked a number of friends how they felt about this and I got mixed reviews. A lot of my female friends agreed with me that the fear of pregnancy does not make sex less enjoyable than kissing, but some of my female friends said it did. Also, many of my male friends said the fear of impregnating is not something they think about when having sex, but others said that is why they are very cautious and selective of who they have sex with. Overall, it seems that the fear of pregnancy is a very personal issue and there can't be any assumptions made and how it affects the pleasure behind kissing and/or sex.