This article is about the tendency of abusers in abusive relationships "playing the victim" as it were, justifying their abuse by insisting that their own victims in some way deserve to be treated badly because of how they have treated the abuser in the past: upsetting him, "pushing his buttons," etc. The abuser comes to believe that it is the victim who has the problem, not himself, and, in a narcissistic refusal to accept any blame, begins to blame all of his problems on his victim; the abuser will think highly of his victim when the abuser is in a good mood, but will resent his victim when he is in a bad mood. Furthermore, in his resentment of his victim, the abuser will feel a sense of entitlement such that he feels the victim owes it to him to make him happier, and can't imagine being happier any other way. In reality, such relationships stem from low self-esteem in the abuser, whose lack of self-worth and self-compassion lead to a deep emotional hurt that he can only rationalize by blaming on someone else. Failure to see value in himself may also contribute to the abuser's failure to see value in others. Sadly, such relationships are often a downward-spiraling cycle, with the abuser's low self-esteem fueling itself the more he comes to victimize himself.
This article hits close to home for a particular reason: in my research over the past week, I have come to consider the uncomfortable possibility that I and a good friend of mine are in a borderline abusive relationship with one another. Without getting into too much personal history, she and I have the tendency to get into self-righteous fights whenever we get together, often getting set off by seemingly small events or comments that nonetheless touch a nerve. By now I often find myself resentful of her even when just thinking about our next get-together, often long before such an event actually occurs. In an attempt to stem the tide of such enmity, however, I am forced to question whether the perceived injustices she inflicts upon me are really as bad as I insist they are. After all, if I were to ask her, wouldn't she say that it was I who was being cruel? I find myself recognizing the traits of an abuser suffering from victim identity within myself. My opinion of her shifts dramatically depending on my mood. I see the way I treat her as a righteous retribution for the way she treats me. I refuse to see her point of view, insisting that there is something wrong with her. I perform amateur diagnoses to try to figure out why she's so "crazy." I also have fairly low self-esteem, I think (but that's hard to self-diagnose). Whatever my friends problems, it would seem that the core problem in our relationship lies in my own victim identity.
I have my doubts with regards to the above conclusion, of course, and they are related to my doubts regarding the notion of the victim identity as a whole. Let us consider that an abusive relationship contains one abuser and one victim. According to this article, the abuser may suffer from victim identity and falsely consider himself the victim. Conversely, it is well established that the victim may come to believe their abuser's belittling, and in their state of low self-esteem they may even come to believe that they deserve the abuse they are receiving. Thus the victim may falsely identity him-or herself as the abuser. However this seems somewhat paradoxical: if the abuser thinks he is the victim, and the victim thinks he is the abuser, is there no help for them? Can a victim never truly recognize that he is being abused? Can an abuser never recognize his own faults? What if, as in my case, one of the two is aware of this phenomenon? Am I an abuser suffering from victim identity, or a victim suffering from low-self-esteem? Or is even considering that I might truly be the victim further proof that I am the abuser, refusing to accept the truth?
Of course it can be difficult for anyone involved in an abusive relationship to recognize it, let alone try to stop it. This doesn't necessarily mean they should stop trying, just that they should take their own self-evaluations with a grain of salt, I think. This can be dangerous if it leads to them ignoring the problem, but fortunately we have therapists an psychoanalysts who can provide a more objective, and therefore more reliable, point of view.
With regard to my own possibly-abusive relationship, considering both of our histories (I suffer from depression, she has issues at home) we're neither of us the healthiest of people, and probably we could both be considered mildly abusive towards one another, though we both convince ourselves we are primarily the victim. Happily, I too, happen to have a therapist, and needn't rely on myself alone to identify or solve our problem.
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